Just as soon as your New Year's Resolutions have been broken, it's time for more emotional reckoning: Valentine's Day. If there is a holiday in the year where there are more unmet expectations, down trodden faces and anxious behaviors I don't know of it. Why? Unrealized Expectations. Let's face it: every person likes being in love. Everyone. Now, you might argue that many population don't like the responsibility that goes with being in love, but the "feeling" of being in love is a universal high that no drug can match. It is the feeling of knowing that other finds you equally as enchanting as you find them, that you've ultimately found man that you can share yourself with, that after months (or in my case, years) of searching, you've found man who wants to be with you, and accepts you for who you are. Okay, well it's also that feeling you get when that man touches you...and more. So if you're not in love when V-day comes around, you're a loser and a third wheel to all your "together" friends. Don't call us, we're busy. As a result, you get to be alone on V-day too. Sucks.
Now I'll avoid the specifics of the reality of what "Being in Love" assuredly is. As accurately described in the movie "What the #$%& Do We Know," it is a simple physio-chemical reaction sent into the bloodstream from the hypothalamus. It just so happens, that our bodies are designed to react assuredly to those chemicals, and we "feel" in love. Thus, if you're in a relationship merely to be "in love," when the body's addiction to those chemicals requires more of those chemicals than your relationship can give, you'll tend to cut off the relationship. From there, you'll have withdrawals which adds to the depression etc. Etc. A very forensic analysis, I know. Even still, I've got no problem with physio-chemical reactions if they have to feel like that... And if I can distinguish them and not let them rule me. Still, this doesn't help me with V-day.
"Then what's wrong with Valentine's Day?" Nothing...unless you're single or in a relationship where the other party in your relationship wants to palpate exquisite V-days forever. What do you do then? How can you cope with the reality that on the "love" day of the year, the only thing you get to do is send cards to your Mom and Dad and buy a catnip mouse for your feline? Good question.
Personally, I have hated V-day since I was 7. When I was in Ms. O'Doherty's class in 3rd grade, she always made a big deal out of holidays. I'm not sure why, but I think she wanted to be fair to the other holidays, since St. Patrick's day was such a big celebration for her. Nevertheless, she encouraged us to give cards and make stuff for friends in class. Well, let it be known that I had a crush on Anastasia Pappas. I knew that my feelings would be certain to every person if she was the only one I brought a card to. So I got cards for every person I liked in the class (8 kids) and signed them myself with personalized notes. So, young Mark gets to school on V-day and is trumped by the corporal law that I was to learn in Physics 15 years later, "More mass in request for retrial equals more kinetic energy." Yes, every person was checking the pink and red envelopes they were receiving for "mass" - candy. So, Mark, with his inert cards, immediately feels "less than," and forlornly gives his cards out in the face of "What? Oh man, no candy?" So, naturally, for the rest of my life I have hated those stupid heart shaped candies posessing those ridiculous valentinian quips food-colored on them. They taste terrible, don't you agree? Yes, the taste of rubber from my shoe in my mouth tastes better...
So for me, and since I can't remember the last time I had a girlfriend on V-day, I have hated the holiday...totally. The candy, the expectation, the color red...everything. Funny thing is, most population that I talk to (that are single or hate their current relationship) feel the same way. There's something in our pasts that make us cynical and resigned about a holiday where we are supposed to show love for those that love us as sweethearts. Sucks.
"So, I'm sick of hearing your sob stories. Tell me how to have a great Valentine's Day already!" Alright. Gee, touchy. I did some investigate (emphasize some - I hate research) into the origins of the holiday. It is somewhat clouded in mystery, so the most reasonable postulate is the one that I chose to believe:
"In aged Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honor Juno, Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Feast of Lupercalia started the next day.
"During these times boys and girls were segregated. However, the young population had a convention that began on the eve of the Festival of Lupercalia. The girl's names were written on pieces of paper and inserted into jars. Each boy then drew a girl's name from the jar and they were partners throughout the Festival. After being paired, the children would often continue to see each other throughout the year and on opening even fell in love and got married.
"Emperor Claudius Ii of Rome, also known as Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time recruiting men as soldiers. He believed that the men did not want to leave their sweethearts and cancelled all engagements and marriages throughout Rome. St. Valentine, a priest of Rome at the time, privately married couples. He was at last caught, arrested and condemned. He was beaten to death and beheaded on February 14th, around the year 270.
"Lupercalia was a feast to a heathen God. Pastors and priests of the early Christian church did away with the pagan convention by replacing the names of the girls with the names of saints. They chose St. Valentine's Day as the day of celebration for the new feast.
"Valentine Day greetings became favorite while the middles ages. while that time period, lovers sang or spoke their sentiments. Paper and written Valentines became favorite at the end of the 15th Century. The oldest Valentine that exists today was made while this era and is on display in the British Museum."
- nh.essortment.com/valentinesday_rmhv.htm
What I love about this story is the fact that originally, this festival had nothing to do with love, but rather honoring those beings that created everything. The young population were the ones who created friendships that otherwise would not have taken place in their culture. These friendships often continued and sometimes turned to marriage. I find it compelling to note that these "friendships" became so powerful that the Emperor had to convert global policy to stop these relationships from continuing. So if the origin of V-day comes from a legacy of friendship and celebrating creation, how can we apply the traditional intent of the early Roman tradition to our mixed up modern custom?
Unfulfilled anticipation is a killer. We tend to want to attach ourselves to outcomes, and when they don't come into existence the way we want, we generate upset for ourselves. Don't have a sweetheart? In a bad relationship? Hate your past V-day experiences? Even if you have a sweetheart, these steps will work powerfully toward the possibility that you can have the best V-day you've ever had.
Disappear your past. What do I mean by that? Simple. Since this is a celebration of those who create, we should also generate in order to honor them (depending on your religious views of course). However, in every religious holy book it is agreed that truly powerful creation can only happen from nothing. You can't generate origin when the origin smashes on top of something preexisting. Thus, for us to create, we must disappear that which would get in the way of our creation of a great V-day: your past palpate with the holiday.
1. First, think back to the very first time you can remember feeling the way you do about this situation. For me, it is my grade-school example. Then, in the language of a 7 year old (or however old you were at the time), remember what you said about what happened. In my case, it was, "my love is not as good as theirs." Brutal, right? So is yours. It becomes clear assuredly fast how your child conversation has mutated into an "adult" version of the conversation. For me, it sounds like, "V-day makes me feel lonely, because I know that every person else has a primary other and I don't...because my love is no good." It's just an example, your results may vary... Some assembly required.
Once you get your conversation, you can look at what assuredly happened and take the meaning away from it. If you have watched "What the @#$& Do We Know?," you'll remember that it maintains that we have no idea what "true" reality is, because all of our tests for reality are based in a mechanism that is strongly influenced by the chemistry of emotion. Thus, you and I together can read this column, yet we can have a vastly different palpate about reading it... However, regardless of what you say happened while reading the column or what I say, there exists a "real" reality about what happened that has nothing to do with our perception. It's primary that you distinguish what assuredly happened in your past from what you "say" happened or experienced happening. I say that kids in my class said hurtful things to me about the lack of heart shaped candies in their V-day cards. Therefore, V-day candies hurt me, and V-day hurts me. Is that true? No. What assuredly happened was that some kids said some stuff to me when I was 7. That's it. Period. However, I Made It Mean what my "story" was about it. My language based on my perception (again, tainted by emotion) defined the events in that classroom and created in my mind and for others what happened... Not what assuredly happened. What did you have for morning meal this morning? Cereal. Don't lie. It was Fruit Loops, admit it. Which of these two things do you think more affects your being right now: cereal, or that thing in your past? The Toucan rings. Hands down. "No, but [your incident inserted here] assuredly hurt me!" Yes, I get that... It hurt you in the past. Now? Not a chance. How is that condition affecting you at all now except for your allowance? In fact, the cereal, which is still being digested by the way, is assuredly affecting your being much more tangibly than anything in your past. Now, I know this is hard to get. I don't like to be reminded of this either, but the fact of the matter is, you are totally responsible for your interpretation of your past and your emotional upset about it now. It is strictly an interpretation, and the language you use to reveal it creates what it is in your future. Yes, I think that what happened to you was aweful, and I don't condone it, but I also don't condone you dragging it with you into your hereafter like a badge of courage. Especially when your interpretation of it By Definition Of Existence is terribly flawed.
2. Once you can distinguish your conversation about V-day from what assuredly happened, then you eye what it's costing you. In my case, it's costing me peace, the possibility to love those who Are in my life, cynicism (which is creative death), hope, and, quite seriously, the possibility of having a primary other on V-day. Yes, I'm serious about that. If you are the stand that you never have a boyfriend on V-day, then you're right about that - and you never will. Why? Because as humans we tend to live our lives to "be right" about everything. We make every person else wrong so that we can be right. Have any friends that disagree with you on everything? Nope. Me neither. It's the same with ourselves. We have to be right about who we are. Thus, if you say, "I'm so clumsy," I'd say you're right, because you're creating it for yourself. I'll disagree about who I think you are, but for you, I know you think you're right. Plus, you get every person to agree with you, and they "create" you to be that in their minds too... And voila, you're bumping into things and spilling red wine on your neighbor's angora rug in the corner. Conversely, if you convert your conversation and say you're super coordinated and every person agrees with you... Well, you become super coordinated don't you? What you speak into existence is true for you, because you must be right about yourself. Thus, "When will I have a boyfriend on V-day?" - which assuredly means I don't think I ever will - speaks your lonely V-days into existence, and you don't have the space in your life to allow anything else... And nothing else will happen. If you have to be right, at least be right about something empowering, "I am the possibility of being in love on V-day."
So, what's all of this costing you, really?
3. Then comes the hard part: what are you getting out of it? "I'm not getting anything out of this you moron! I just hate it!" Well, not so, pal, you love it. Like being right, we humans only do things if we get something out of it. Thus, even if there's a bad result, like a reverse Machiavelli syndrome, we'll do it, because what we are getting out of it is greater than the cost at the end. Since we all hate seeing bad, it's difficult to want to look at what disgusting behaviors we're creating to perpetuate pain. For me, my payoff is the following: pity from others ("Oh, you poor thing... Have some chocolate"), I get to be right about me, I get to be right about my past (as described above, I'm right about what I'm production it mean), and I get to believe that by being wholly inauthentic (back to the sympathy), some girl somewhere is going to have pity on me, all-of-a-sudden convert her desire from wanting to date a strong, unblemished man to wanting to date an insecure whiny man (which I am being) and solve my problem. Pretty disgusting, but welcome to my life for the last 15 years. Yick. So be clear about all the payoffs you're getting out of your V-day hatred. You're getting a lot, I guarantee!
4. ultimately the easy part: do the math. If your payoff is greater than the cost, well, stay the way you are. You don't assuredly want to change, and the more you "try to change" the more pain you'll get. Horray!
However, if the cost is greater than the payoff, you can ultimately disappear everything, because you assuredly want to. You've gotten in touch with what it's assuredly costing you, and you want out. So, to disappear your past:
Think back to the very first time you can remember feeling the way you do about this situation. Distinguish your conversation about what assuredly happened from what you made it mean (what you said about it at that time, in the vocabulary of an X year old)
Forgive yourself and anything else complex for anything responsibility or liability might exist there (then let it go). convert your language (create a different interpretation) about (what happened) how you reveal your past (stop telling the story). Once you've completed and disappeared your past, you can generate a new possibility for V-day and your future. Let's take on the idea that V-day originated from starting new relationships while the celebration of our creators (which can also comprise parents). If this is our paradigm, what becomes possible for us?
Well, for those of us who are single, how great would it be to be committed to starting a new relationship on V-day? No, they're not committed to starting one, You are. Remember, "if you want a friend, be a friend?" What could be possible there? A new friend? A relationship with man you already know in a way that wasn't possible before? Creating a relationship of authenticity out of the ashes and smoke of an inauthentic relationship? Creating a deeper relationship with your house and close friends? Doing random acts of kindness for man you don't know, have nothing to gain from them, and otherwise wouldn't care about them? - Remember, those aged Roman children didn't know who they were going to be paired up with, and I certify dimes to dollars that many of them didn't like their possible partner until they were partnered.
For you coupled folks, what is possible? A reexamining of your primary other's wonder-traits? Telling them where you've been inauthentic with them, and recommitting to being authentic? choosing your relationship, everything that it is and everything that it isn't, stopping your stories and meanings about it, and creating and standing in the possibility of having the most miraculous relationship with them you've ever dreamed of? Maybe it's even seeing your relationship with your primary other, realizing your inauthenticity, and breaking things off on V-day... Thus creating a new relationship with yourself and with them.
And since we're celebrating creators, why not celebrate your parents and the supernatural power you serve? If it weren't for them, you wouldn't have the gift of being able to have a V-day. What's possible if you consolidate the celebration of new relationships with the celebration of your creators? Miracles.
If you can disappear the stories about V-day from your past, share your new possibility with others in your life, and "be" that stand for yourself and others, you will have the space in your life to have a miraculous V-day like you've never had before.
If you want to chat further or if you're at all unclear, please don't hesitate to call or e-mail me:
Mark Edward Lewis
Suggestions For a Great Valentine's Day - Even If You're single